All of us will die, and we either die very quickly or very slowly. Quick deaths - through accident or an acute medical incident – can bring shock and trauma to the loved ones who survive. Slow deaths - from aging or a terminal illness – can bring different challenges and great uncertainty for both the dying person and his/her loved ones and caregivers. Below a PCHPCA Board Member shares a personal story in hopes that it may help others.
“105 years old! Wow, she doesn’t look that old at all. What amazing care you are giving her. She is so lucky to have you looking after her! You are quite something.”
My sister-in-law hears this all the time. She is 74 years old, and she and her mother have always lived together - first in her mother’s home, now with her mother in her home. My sister-in-law take great pride in the compliments she receives and wants to give the best possible care to her mother, but it is taking its toll on her own health both physically and emotionally.
My mother-in-law has always appreciated her daughter and what she is doing for her and what she has given up for her. But over the last few years, that is not the case much of the time. Due to concerns about possible addiction, she is not allowed to take the dosage of pain medication needed to mitigate the leg, shoulder, and back pain she has to endure. She is scared a lot of the time and is not quite sure why. Perhaps it is because she lives back in the time of her youth when her life was anything but secure. She is tired, hurts, has no appetite, and says she is ready to die. She takes all these feelings out on my sister-in-law, who will not hear any of it. In frustration my sister-in-law says, “Mom, you have got to eat! Here, this is one of your favorites. You have got to eat to keep your strength up. The doctor says you can’t lose much more weight.” My mother-in-law tightens her lips, but eventually she takes a few bites. She feels terrible, but my sister-in-law has a sense of accomplishment. She can now be put to bed; she is very tired after all. This is how the days go by.
How does a family caregiver know when to take the words of a loved one seriously when they say, “I am tired; I am not hungry; I hurt; I am ready to die.” And if you know when, then how do you accept them, especially when you are afraid you will be looked upon as one who does not care or love any more, and is just giving up?
In Putnam County there are people who can help with these difficult questions. The Putnam County Hospice and Palliative Care Association believes that information, honest communication, and support can make the difficult end-of-life journey easier. For information and resources, visit www.pchpca.org, call 765.301.7614, or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
